Boyfriend Bootcamp Part 2: The Benefits of NOT Initiating


First, the basics. Please just accept males and females are NOT the same. Men don’t think like us, ladies. He doesn’t want the same things at the same seasons of life as you. He is motivated by different rewards than you. Wishing it wasn’t so will never change it.

Now, let’s consider the benefits of NOT making the first move.

When a guy initiates, you immediately know he’s interested! In fact, he probably practiced what he was going to say a few times before he called. He cares about making a good impression. He wants to stand out from the rest of the guys. He assumes there are other guys who are also looking to catch your eye.

If you dress modestly, but so he can still tell you’re a Girl, his imagination does the rest.

Being easy-to-talk-to is your best asset. You invite him to share his thoughts or ideas. You don’t interrogate him or dominate the conversation. He feels understood, interesting and respected. Without being officious, you let him know your standards for non-marital sex.

[Author’s Note: Raise your standards, girl! If your only standard for having sex is “when you feel something for each other,” all he has to do is convince you he feels something! For pity sake, he might be lying, you know? He could be mistaken. Or, gasp! What if it’s just hormones? I’ve had a lot of women tell me they can’t get a date if they don’t put out. For those of you under 40, that means “have sex.” This seems unbelievably obvious to me… if you don’t put out, and he still wants to see you, then he must be interested in more than sex, right? By the same token, if you don’t put out and his interest suddenly evaporates, then it really was all about sex, wasn’t it? C’mon, raise your standards!]

Back to our fantasy. He asks you out. You agree to meet somewhere. During this outing, you let him know sex makes people stupid, so in the interest of staying clear-headed you two will not be having sex. On this date, you’re charming and gracious. He has a good time, you have a good time. His has a genuine interest in relationship, not just a hookup, so he calls you within a week.

You explain that you prefer he doesn’t pick you up for any outing until he has met your Dating Advisory Committee (DAC). [Author's Note: this is detailed in another chapter in the book, Sex Makes People Stupid: How To Avoid Ending Up With a Loser.] You describe the advantages of not going “zero to 60” without thinking. Knowing you might introduce him to your DAC prompts you to evaluate if the people who know you best and love you the most will think this guy is a good match.

There’s another benefit for preparing your love interest to meet your committee. At that point, both of you will have a clear indication if you’re ready to go to the next level. I’d go crazy if I had to follow the dating pattern young people have now. There are no clear definitions for what constitutes a deeper level. I know several women who automatically assumed she was now The Girlfriend once they had been intimate, only to discover he considered her a Sex-Buddy. When it’s not spelled out, how do you know for sure if the two of you feel the same about your relationship?