We completed the first two workshops on pornography's impact on the brain.  What stands out to me the most is there were no girls.  Not a single teen girl. This is significant for two reasons, first it confirms that most people assume pornography is exclusively a male issue.  Which its not.  And second, few people are making the connection between middle school girls sexting naked pictures of themselves and the widespread influence of porn.

The latest research says 21% of females 18-30 look at porn several times a week.

Because it is ubiquitous, boys are exposed and start to consume porn very young, usually between 8 and 12.  It shapes how they think about what is "normal" behavior for girls.  It's why they ask for nude pictures of a 12 year old girl.  It's why they think little girls think about sex all the time the way little boys do.  It's why they are confused by girls who say "no," and think "no-means-yes" sometimes, because in porn, the answer is always "yes."

I have one final reflection to share with you... the events were not well-attended.  We feel a huge burden to be financially responsible with the donations sent to Positively Waiting.  People give sacrificially so we can do what we do.  As a result, the workshop we planned for Sat. August 20th in Arcadia has been cancelled for lack of interest.

The Granada Hills event on Wed. August 17th at 7:00 pm will be the last one.  Please contact us if you have questions.

UPDATE 7/26/16: In light of the Sand Canyon Fire burning in Santa Clarita, we are postponing the workshop scheduled for THURSDAY 7/28 for one week.

We will be in the same location (Bouquet Elementary) and at the same time.  

Please keep the community and firefighters in your prayers.  None of the other dates or venues are effected.  We hope to see you soon!

If you have any questions, please email justask@positivelywaiting.com.

Santa Clarita, Here We Come!!

Next week is the first of our FOUR summer events talking about pornography.  We will be in Santa Clarita, CA at the Bouquet Canyon Elementary School at 7 pm.  We have had a few questions come up as we promote these event, so they might be on your mind too...

IS THIS FOR ADULTS OR TEENS?
This is one we want both. Our normal presentations we like to do just youth and just parents because the needs are different. Teens need to know how their decisions will impact their future. Parents need to know how teens process and make decisions about sex. Its not the same talk.

But this is different. Pornography affects us all, as individuals and as families.  As much as we appreciate your confidence in us, we know everyone will feel more comfortable if parents know exactly what their teens have been told, and are available to talk afterward.

WHAT KIND OF VISUALS AND LANGUAGE SHOULD I BE PREPARED FOR? 
Perfectly understandable if you are concerned about being assaulted by "examples" of pornography, or a discussion that makes a son uncomfortable to be sitting next to Mom! You can put those fears to rest, unless you would rather die than be in a room where you might hear the word "masturbate" or "erectile dysfunction." Those words are about as awkward as it gets.

The picture with this blog is the "symbol" we're using to refer to porn as a concept throughout the seminar.  The only other visual is a short animated video about human trafficking. (If you are concerned at all, please preview it.)

MY CHILD IS PRETEEN, IS THAT TOO YOUNG TO ATTEND?
Depends.  They are not too young if

• They have been asking questions about sex, love and relationships.  
• They have already seen material you wish they hadn't.
• They have a friend whose house you "won't let them play at" because of this issue.

Use your best judgment, but a good rule of thumb is, assume your child has access to the information of his/her best friend's older siblings.  If Jackie is 12, but the BFF has an older brother or sister of 16, Jackie is getting a 16-year-old's perspective.

Better to deal with this topic before Hormone Hell, than waiting until someone has an attitude and trying to establish guidelines. However, for the sake of the other participants, small children with a coloring book (do they still make those?) or handheld electronic devise is NOT appropriate. You wouldn't want your child's presence to prevent someone else from asking for help.

THERE ARE FOUR DATES/LOCATIONS.  DO I NEED TO ATTEND ALL FOUR?
No! We are simply presenting the same material in the communities where we have been serving for decades. We didn't want Los Angeles traffic to be a reason someone would decide not to come.  And we know people have full schedules.

I'M BRINGING A CARLOAD OF KIDS. DO I PAY $5 PER CHILD?
This is a free event. Carloads of teens are totally welcome, even encouraged!

​But Positively Waiting is a very small organization with very limited resources, so we suggested a donation of $5 for the printed resource materials. We are just hoping to cover the costs of paper, ink, refreshments, etc.  But NO ONE will be denied the materials or admission if they can't make a donation. 

Unfortunately, we might not have a Spanish version of the printed materials, but we will have an interpreter.  Still working on this.

There is STILL time to register, or persuade your youth group leaders, this is a worthy alternative to your regular youth night.
​=)

Some parents think they don't "need" to attend the Porn-Resistant Brain workshops because they have the latest porn blocking software. This is my response: Trusting porn-blocking software on every digital device is similar to wearing a bulletproof vest while you are home, but taking it off when you step out on the battlefield of life.  Even if you commit to wearing your vest everywhere, there will be times when it is too hot, too heavy or too uncomfortable.  Inevitably, 

That photo is alarming, isn't it?  Of course, no child intends to grow up to be hooked on heroin.  It happens gradually.  One decision at a time, tiny risks and poor judgment.  Still, you really have to go LOOKING for heroin. With pornography, its there all the time.  Soft porn is on billboards and Carl's JR commercials. Hard porn is an innocent click away.  

The porn industry STALKS children.  YOUR CHILDREN.  The sooner your child is exposed, the more they will consume over a lifetime.  Internet filters are not enough.  If you want your children to be able to stand their ground against pornography, they will have to have a porn-resistant brain.

Think of it as physical training for the brain.  If you repeat an action over and over, you get "muscle memory."  Soldiers, firefighters, law enforcement officers all go through rigorous training that pushes them to do what is unnatural and goes against their survival instincts. They are taught that repeating a thought process or attitude over and over becomes automatic -- even under pressure.  But the training has to happen BEFORE it is required, and it has to be repeated a LOT.

The key is to knowing what behavior you WANT to be a "muscle memory" long before the pressure requiring it hits! Frankly, this is where a lot of us drop the ball.  Unless a child is trained to want something else before exposure, porn will be waiting for them the minute they are out of sight.

You don't have to feel powerless! Make the time and arrange to attend one of our Porn Resistant Brain seminars this summer.  Please, in a couple of hours you might literally change your life and the lives of youth you care about!

The latest research indicates exposure to porn happens by age 8 (that’s 2nd grade!)  It’s often unintentional, even accidental, but once seen it can never be unseen.

The physiological change which happens in the brain as a result of that first exposure fosters the desire to see more.  The reality is even the most vigilant parent CANNOT prevent a porn infiltration indefinitely.  Trying to delay it by blocking every portal where the sludge of porn can seep in, has little chance of success.  There is just too much, and it’s too easily accessible.

If blocking and filtering aren’t enough, you might ask, then how can a responsible parent or caring adult equip youngsters to avoid porn?  By training the brain to WANT something different, something better.

Positively Waiting is hosting four opportunities this summer to sample that exact training, and connect with resources that work.  These seminars will be appropriate for both adults and teens (use discretion with younger children).  Hopefully, at least one venue is near you!

• Thu. July 28th @ 7pm in Santa Clarita at Bouquet Elementary School 28110 Wellston Dr.  Santa Clarita, CA 91350
• Wed. Aug. 3 @ 7pm in Lynwood at Lynwood High School 4050 E Imperial Hwy, Lynwood, CA 90262
• Wed. Aug 17th @ 7pm in Granada Hills at Wellspring Christian Church 11451 Woodley Ave. Granada Hills, CA 91344 
• Sat. Aug 20th @ 6:30 pm in Arcadia at Our Savior Lutheran Church 512 W Duarte Rd, Arcadia, CA 91007

Please follow this link to register!

At the Set Free Summit on Pornography, I listened to both men and women describe being exposed to internet porn as young as 7 or 8.  They saw images that could never be "unseen."  They experienced involuntary physiological reactions they could not understand, and could not prevent.  By the time they were teens, they were engaged in a daily battle: try to resist--fail--masturbate--be overwhelmed by self-loathing and disgust--consume more porn to feel better.
 
How common is porn-use? The statistics are overwhelming.

• 64% of American men view porn at least monthly.
• 79% of men age 18-30 view porn at least monthly.

In the comments, there were a number of adults who suggested this is just a more technologically advanced version of "playing doctor," and nothing to worry about.  Except that when these kinds of images are shared nowadays, the child becomes a potential for bullying, or worse, a target for predators. 

While the reaction of many is hyper-vigilance, increased oversight and a more secure insulated bubble... developing the character traits and internal mechanism that can protect all the time (even when Mom and Dad are not) is not even suggested.  

If you are also concerned with the sexualization of children, will you please make a contribution to the "Send Karen To the Set Free Summit" campaign?

If you can't go yourself, if it doesn't fit in your pastor's schedule, but you want this information to come you YOUR COMMUNITY, please donate online to send Karen Kropf here, or on the crowd-funding project page.  Thank you very much!!

When I first got involved in defending every person's right to life and dignity, my expectations didn't match reality.  It looked more like this...

​The Set Free Summit is coming up really fast (April 4th-7th) and I really want to go.  Thirty Top Experts in the fields of counseling, research, and church leadership will be in ONE PLACE to talk about pornography -- especially the problem in church!

We started an Indiegogo crowd source campaign in hopes that we can raise the funds fast enough for me to go.  Anyone who helps me get there is invited to attend a FREE "post-conference workshop" where I will pass on everything I learn.  [Note: TBD, Sometime this summer, before school starts up again.]

If you can send a little, you'll give me a chance to get the BEST tools to help reach YOUR kids.
​

According to the Center for Disease Control, HALF of gay/bisexual black men and ONE in FOUR of gay/bisexual Hispanic men will be diagnosed with HIV in their lifetimes.  The new study is the first time that the CDC has estimated lifetime HIV risk based on race.
 
Overall, the CDC projected that one in 64 men and one in 227 women in the United States will be diagnosed with HIV at current rates.  For black and Hispanic people, however, that risk increases dramatically.  ​Regardless of sexual orientation:

• 1 in 20 Black men
• 1 in 48 Black women
• 1 in 48 Hispanic men
• 1 in 227 Hispanic women

“Inappropriate Attire” and “Dress Code Standards” usually presume females understand the power of the visual for males.  In my experience, very few mature women have a good grasp of it!  Sadly, it is coupled with a culture which suggests to girls showing skin is “empowering” and that anyone who advocates dressing modestly is “body shaming.”

Tangling with a teenager over what is “appropriate” clothing is no fun for any parent, but as your child’s coach, you have to get this one right before launching them into adulthood.

Remember coaching isn’t making right decisions for them, it’s helping them make right decisions.

Happy Valentine's Day.  It seemed like a good time to help women understand men, and to help men understand women don't get it. I think you will find this interesting.

Positively Waiting could not have touched the hearts and lives of the hundreds of teens we spoke to this year without your support.  Our impact on one teen, one classroom, and one youth group at a time is only possible because of supporters like YOU.

We wanted to say, Thank You. 

We never forget that every financial gift to us could go to many other projects or concerns — including your own family! 

• ­ Thank You! For caring about other people’s kids as much as your own. 
• ­ Thank You! For investing in our efforts to provide a positive view of sex, love and relationships.
• ­ Thank You! For letting us know you believe it matters that our message is heard.

We could not, and cannot, do it without you.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Karen Kropf
Founder and Program Director,
Positively Waiting!
~*~*~*~
We are grateful for any gift that will help us reach more teens in 2016.  No gift is too small to make a difference.  You will receive a tax deductible receipt by Jan. 31st 2016.

~Reprinted on Request~
​
In order to get a date with Karen, Jim Kropf had to go through an "approval process" with ten friends of hers -- eight women and two men committed to seeing she didn’t go out with jerks. They were her “Dating Advisory Committee.” Some of her friends took the job so seriously, they came up with written questions – the first set of questions trying to figure out what sort of man would suit her, and another set for anyone who wanted to date her.
 
It forced her to look at her non-negotiables and preferences in a new way.  It also sharpened her ability to recognize when a relationship would be “grit your teeth to make it work” and when it would be “fit together like puzzle pieces.”
 
BE ADVISED! These are hard, soul-searching questions. The more DETAILED & SPECIFIC your answer, the greater the chance you will recognize The One when you meet them.

"Some women choose to follow men and some women choose to follow their dreams.  If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."

Lady Gaga’s remarks are pretty cynical.  On the flip side, Radio Host Dennis Prager likes to ask this question: “If you could only have one or the other guaranteed to be successful, which would you rather have, a great relationship or a great career?”

Everyone’s answer is different, but one time he asked a waitress and learned later from another member of the wait-staff that they had been discussing nothing else for 25 minutes!  All of these young people were 24 or older, and NONE of them had even thought about what goals mattered the most to them.

Of course, it may be possible, in their Real Lives that they could have both a great career and a great relationship.  It’s possible, but the more life-experience one has, the more you realize that is very rare.

For Coaching Practice this month, we suggest you have some discussions along those lines.  First, before you engage your teen, get your own preferences out of the way.  What YOU hope your teen will choose is not the purpose of this coaching exercise! [Remember: Coaches don’t make the right decision for you, they help you make Right Decisions].  Your objective is to help your teen build their own neural network toward their goal, by connecting at an emotional level. 

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy posts a report every other year.  In 2014, they surveyed 18 to 24 year olds about sex, relationships and virginity.  The advice these young adults have for highschoolers may surprise some.

For instance, College Students attitude toward virginity is a positive one.

• 99% say they don’t think less of someone their age who has not had sex.
  
• 46% say they “feel respect” for young adults who have not had sex.
  
• 86% want high schoolers to know “it’s okay to be a virgin when you graduate from high school.”
  
• 55% who have had sex wish they had waited longer.

Of the VIRGINS in this age group

• 60% say that all or almost all of their friends know that they are virgins.
  
• 93% of young adult virgins say that they have never lied about their virginity.
  
• 90% say they intend to wait until the time is right for them to have sex.
  

Some of the key themes from the survey, included: 

• There is tremendous support among young adults for waiting longer to have sex; virginity is widely accepted and respected among young men and women, including those who have already had sex. 
  
• Pressure to have sex is common too, but the pressure comes more from within than from others. 
  
• Many young adults want the media to show more and varied portrayals of those not having sex and they want the media to improve the way they portray young adults’ sex lives
  
• There are big differences between men and women — how they recall their first times, what they think the youngest teenagers need to know as they embark upon their high school social lives, what kinds of pressure exists, and where it comes from. 
  
• Perhaps most surprisingly, most young adults—men and women, some sexually experienced, some not—place a much higher value on romance and relationships than they do on sex alone.
  

I have been saying this for years, but Suzanne Venker said it even better than I have!
(This article appeared on FoxNews.com May 1, 2015) 

Where have all the husbands gone?

That’s a question Peter Lloyd tackles in a series in London’s Daily Mail about Britain’s marriage rate, which is at its lowest level since 1895. “The state of matrimony is not just ailing. It is dying out faster than a mobile phone battery,” Lloyd writes. “For an army of women, Mr. Right is simply not there, no matter how hard they look for him.”

Things are no better this side of the Atlantic. According to Pew Research Center, the share of American adults who’ve never been married is at an historic high—and men are more likely than women to have never made it down the aisle (23% vs. 17% in 2012).

There was a time when wives respected their husbands. There was a time when wives took care of their husbands as they expected their husbands to take care of them.

What gives? Why are men here and abroad avoiding the altar in spades?

1. Because they can
Men used to marry to have sex and a family. They married for love, too, but they had to marry the girl before taking her to bed, or at least work really, really hard to wear her down. Those days are gone.

When more women make themselves sexually available, the pool of marriageable men diminishes. “In a world where women do not say no, the man is never forced to settle down and make serious choices,” writes George Gilder, author of "Men and Marriage."

If there is one video a woman should watch to help her deal with how SHE feels when she catches him looking at another woman, this is it.  

Please watch this with your guy (or any guy) and what follows will be a wonderful conversation and a huge sigh of relief!

Any time I talk to couples who are living together, especially if that has been their arrangement for a few years, I almost always end up asking this question, "So you're just using each other for now?"

A March 15th 2015 article in the Wall Street Journal points out there has been a steady rise in children born to unmarried, cohabiting couples. In 2002, it was about 14%, but now it's about a quarter of all births. The article discusses the bleak outlook for children of cohabitors.

It's has become more socially acceptable for couples to  move in together to raise a child (planned or unplanned), all the while insisting that need to be "more sure" about the relationship or more financially secure before they get married.  But as the article points out, cohabiting parents are more likely to split up, form new partnerships, have additional children, creating an expanding and complex web of half-siblings, step-parents, child-support payments and family visits.

I can't be the only one who sees that people don't think clearly anymore.  Follow their logic...

I had an interesting discussion last night.  Bear and I were talking to another couple about the non-Christian view of Christians not participating in same-sex weddings.  [If you have been under a rock this week, an Indiana pizzeria was asked a hypothetical question about catering a gay wedding, and they declined.  Subsequently, the pizzeria's business was slammed and the owners received death threats from bullies.  Subsequent to THAT, a GoFundMe page was set up for the pizzeria and collected $842,000 from people who hate bullies.]. 

Grrr.  Our website has been migrating to another host.  The whole process is slightly more irritating than packing everything you own very carefully, scheduling the moving van, arriving at the destination only to discover:

1. None of your furniture fits
2. All the labels on your boxes are wet and illegible
3. Every closet and window has been painted shut

Here's the thing, we loved the old host (bluehost.com) They were extremely helpful and attentive to me as a customer, but they don't update the software platform we use -- ever.  And we love the platform (weebly)!  So in the end, we've been juggling thing behind-the-scenes, in between speaking assignments, and so missed out on what's been happening.  

This is still an active blog!  We promise: Its not you... its me.  Please check back.